Finding Comfort in Anonymity

And so, many gay boys grow into men that are eager to release the version of them they kept hidden for so many years; the ideal future-self they always dreamed of being: confident, sexual, witty, ever-happy, living life to the fullest! As gay men, we are masters of presenting ourselves this way, and in turn believing this is who we truly are…in direct correlation to how easy it is for a stranger to believe our story. The less they knew about us before this moment, the better.

I truly believe this is the root cause of two common issues I’ve seen in gay male clients: “I find it easy to talk with strangers, but difficult to share my feelings and emotions with people close to me” and, “My partner and I lost the sexual dynamic that brought us together after the first year.” Both of these dilemmas come from us preferring what is reflected back from someone who only knows us as we choose to be presented. We grew up finding solace in strangers on the internet, or sneaking out to bars using fake IDs. We most confidently shared our sexuality with those the furthest from our social circles. Distance and scarcity resulted in a strange comfort where intimacy was a controlled escape from life, but therefore was not part of it. 

So then when, in time, we finally find a partner who is around long enough to see the parts of ourselves that we can’t control - the trauma, the issues, the insecurities - it is as though a vail has been lifted, to expose us as we truly are. This feels like a blessing in many facets of life, finally being loved just as you are… but now intimacy is no longer the controlled escape it once was. The feelings and fantasies you share are now with someone who’s actually in your life; who actually knows you at your best and worst. 

For many gay men, the sexual self that formed in a vacuum does not know how to exist outside. The emotions that felt safe to share with someone you could ghost at any time, feel like they threaten the stability you have with someone you don’t want to lose. Inversely, we fear being close to other gay man (in relationships or friendships) in trepidation that their complicated selves will be too much to handle. Because many of us were never shown that the less convenient parts of ourselves were lovable - and many of us were even taught to hate those parts.

Like many of the ‘problems’ gay men share, I think it underlies the potential for a unique strength. It’s why we are actively trying to create more spaces for gay men to meet and share their struggles with intimacy. This is not an acute ailment that lends itself to a specified support group; what all gay men have in common are baseline coping mechanisms that impact our daily lives. Being able to observe and learn from them can mean the difference between interpersonal growth, and self-perpetuated cycles that push others away.