One of the frustrations in many relationships is sex. One would like to experiment a bit, while the other needs more or less sex. How do you discuss this, without hassle or hurting the other person?
In many gay relationships, sex plays a role from the very first meeting. It may even be sex that brought you together. What started as a fleeting sex date turned out to be true relationship material. Everything about this new guy is thrilling and interesting.
But after a few weeks or months you become familiar with each other. The exciting gives way to habituation. And the sex becomes predictable and maybe even a little boring. One of you always takes the initiative. There is some kissing, blowing or fucking. And while your mind wanders to a hot experience or fantasy, you jerk off until one or both of you come. In this way, many men mainly have sex with themselves, even when they are busy with the other person.
'It's only a matter of time before the sex gets predictable and maybe even a little boring. As a result, many men mainly have sex with themselves, even when they are busy with the other person.'
When sexual tension decreases, the need for sex usually decreases as well. Every day becomes a few times a week, monthly or maybe only a few times a year.
Factors that decrease sex drive
There are also other factors that sometimes cause the sex drive to disappear. Fatigue, tension or stress, for example. Your work demands a lot from you, you are worried about your financial situation or you are afraid that a possible roommate could walk in at any moment.
Also a negative body image, physical pain or limiting beliefs about sexuality can make you enjoy sex less. If the other person still feels the need for sex, this sometimes causes frustration and tension in the relationship.
Some men try to find the solution within theirselves. By accepting the situation, masturbating to porn, and living like brothers. Or by forcing yourself to have sex, even tough you don't feel it. Because you don't want to shortchange the other person or are afraid that he will leave you otherwise.
Other couples try to find the solution outside their relationship. They cheat on each other or open up their relationship. By organizing a threesome or by giving each other the freedom to have sex with others, they hope that the sex drive will flare up again.
But does that make you grow closer to each other or does the distance increase?
How do you awaken the sex drive again?
When two people are in a relationship, there is always a partner who wants more sex and a partner who wants less sex. Discussing this is difficult and complicated for many men. For example, because you are ashamed of your sexual needs and fantasies. How will your partner react if you suddenly tell him that you find bondage or outdoor sex exciting?
It may also be that you don't want to hurt the other person. If you mention that you are missing something, this may feel like a failure to the other person. So you subconsciously decide to take care of the other person and keep your mouth shut. That immediately prevents a lot of hassle and misunderstanding.
A relationship stands or falls with good communication, also when it comes to sex. It takes guts and vulnerability to say how you experience sex and what you would like to change. To emerge despite shame and discomfort and invite the other person to do the same. To create a safe space to share, ask questions and listen to each other. Not with the aim of being right, but to understand the other. What do you both like and dislike, what fantasies do you have and how can you find each other in this. Regardless of the outcome, such a conversation can provide a new boost to your relationship.
What if your needs are far apart?
Many couples do not share their sexual fantasies with each other. Of course it's fine to keep these thoughts to yourself, but it can also be exciting and inspiring to share them with each other.
But sometimes there is something you can't or won't go along with. Your partner is turned on by rubber or leather, while you have no affinity with this at all. Or your partner would like to fist or have a threesome, while you don't like it at all. That doesn't mean you two aren't compatible. There will be more things you differ in.
Instead of saying no, thank the other person for being open. It usually takes a lot of courage to bring in something so fragile. You can ask if there are any other fantasies that might interest you. This is a good time to specify what you would like. Sex is about give and take, where both of you have a responsibility to take care of your own needs.
You read an article by Gay Men Coaching
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