What If The Need For External Validation Is Controlling Your Life?

To be seen and heard is a basic human need. But what if you rely heavily on external validation? The acknowledgment from others that you matter.

In this article I explain how for some gay men external validation is an exhausting and unsatisfactory quest. And how you can get more firmness out of yourself by working on self-validation.

"There's that gay guy again." They don't say it, but you can hear them thinking when you step inside. Even if you don't think it's very visible, you'll probably be talked about behind your back. Because being gay is fine, as long as you don't show it too much. 

And so you always do your best. You exercise four times a week so that you look good. You walk a little tougher, so that you are not inferior to other men. And when jokes are made about gays, you laugh along to avoid drawing attention to you. 

But whatever you do, it feels like you never do it right or never really belong.

When you doubt yourself, it is a logical step to look for recognition. And if you do not find this recognition within yourself, you usually direct the search outside yourself. Just to hear that you did well, whether what you said was not strange and maybe whether you are still in the market.

There is nothing wrong with external validation. This is a human need in order to grow and survive. It becomes a different story when you become dependent on the recognition of others to feel good. Then it may become an exhausting and, in the long run, unsatisfactory search. Simply because the external validation never fully compensates for what is missing deep in the core.

Because of the fear of rejection, some gay men develop the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. You may have come to the conclusion that it is necessary to hide your true self in order to gain love and acceptance from your surroundings.

When you think that part of you is not welcome, you sometimes develop behavior to be accepted. This can be done by hiding a part of yourself or by pretending to be different. In both cases it is hard work and it comes at the expense of your authenticity. You only show that part of yourself that you believe is welcome. And the less you feel welcome as a human being, the more you have to hide or pretend to be different (see image below).

The harder you work, the less satisfying it is. Because when you receive recognition for that small part that is accepted, it sometimes feels empty or frustrating.

You may also not have learned to develop your self-validation due to a lack of external validation. In other words, to give yourself the recognition that who you are and what you feel is okay. That you matter and can have your own opinion. Instead, your focus is strongly on what another person is thinking or saying.

Getting more strength out of yourself starts with listening to yourself more often. By not immediately crossing over to the other. First take the time to feel and experience what you encounter in yourself. And by taking your own thoughts and feelings seriously and acting accordingly.You may also not have learned to develop your self-validation due to a lack of external validation. In other words, to give yourself the recognition that who you are and what you feel is okay. That you matter and can have your own opinion. Instead, your focus is strongly on what another person is thinking or saying.